I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
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I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i've created a new STD.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
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Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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