I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
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We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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