she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
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We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
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We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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