Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize