shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
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i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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