My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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