i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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