Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
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Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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