i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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