dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
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He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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