hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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