i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
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My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
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We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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