my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize