apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
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my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
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I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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