I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize