I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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