mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
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SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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