I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
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Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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