last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
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New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
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Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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