I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
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Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
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Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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