I wish my penis had an off switch
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize