i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
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i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
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My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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