The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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