So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
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He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
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He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
soo... how was my night?
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