perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
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I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
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Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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