Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
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You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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