Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Never underestimate the power of titties
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