I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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