now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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