every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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