my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
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In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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