I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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