every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
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I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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