Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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