I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize