its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
it's great music for shaving your balls
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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