I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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