Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
