i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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