the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
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dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
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I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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