Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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