You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
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just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
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he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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