I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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