I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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