i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
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The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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