One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
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I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
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You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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