I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
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You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
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I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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