why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize