How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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