dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
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But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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